Considering your children's needs when deciding on any arrangements for them

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Contact factsheet. December 2007

Make the situation as easy as possible for your child

Life is easier and happier for children if arrangements can be made agreeably and if any hostile feelings about the other parent are not expressed to the child. It can be very hard to do this, but it is important for children to be kept out of any quarrel their parents may have with each other. They need to be reassured that you both still love them and that you not being together is not their fault.

It will be easier for the children if they feel their parents can get along and sort things out. It is helpful to be as positive and cooperative as possible about the other parent and make any contact visits between them and your child as easy as possible.

If you have feelings of grief, pain and anger, for example, because of the end of a relationship with your child's other parent, talk about how you feel to friends, adult family members and/or an organisation such as Relate which can provide counselling or just a listening ear. See Further help and information.

Making sure the children's feelings and wishes are heard

What children want and need most is to have things explained clearly to them (bearing in mind their age and level of understanding), and to be listened to. If you are in disagreement with the other parent about the children, it is important to think about your child's feelings and wishes. An older child or children may know exactly what they want, but may fear hurting one of you, so keep quiet. Give your child or children time to talk about what is happening and to say what they would like. Listen to their feelings, even if it makes you feel sad, guilty, or upset.

If you take their views into account and they know this, it will help them to adjust and it will help you reach decisions that are in their best interests.

Note: There is no set age for children to become able to make decisions for themselves; it will depend on their maturity and understanding, which will vary in each child.

Next page: Coming to agreements about contact

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