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Coming to agreements about contact
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Contact factsheet. December 2007.
It is generally best for the children if you can agree about arrangements without the need to go to court (unless the arrangements are not in the best interests of the child).
While you are trying to reach an agreement it is important for both of you to keep any disagreements and tensions away from the child and, when you have an agreement in place, that you do not under estimate your child's ability to pick up any tensions between you at the handover.
However, it may not be possible for you to discuss these matters with the other parent, particularly if there is a history of domestic violence or intimidation, and in this situation you should always seek advice from a solicitor. For information about solicitors and help with legal costs, ask for our factsheet Getting legal help.
There is no one answer as to how long children should spend with each parent. Many parents eventually come to an arrangement whereby the children spend every other weekend, perhaps a visit or visits in between and part of school holidays with the non-resident parent. In some cases this will be too much for the children, in others too little. This needs to be worked out so that children feel comfortable and any arrangements fit in with their schooling and social activities and also are practical for both parents.
Negotiating with the other parent
When you start to negotiate with the other parent it will help if you have a clear idea of what you think is best for your child. However, as it is a negotiation, it is also important for both of you to be flexible, if the terms suggested are reasonable. At a later stage, if you need to go to court, it will also help if the court thinks of you as cooperative.
The Department for Children, Schools and Families has published a free booklet called Parenting Plans - Putting your children first, a guide for separating parents that can help both parents agree on arrangements for the children. You can get a copy of this booklet by calling The Stationary Office on 0870 600 5522 or download it from www.tsoshop.co.uk (put Parenting Plans in the search box).
If you are both willing to try to come to an agreement, but find it difficult to talk things through alone together, mediation may be helpful. For more information, contact the National Mediation Helpline - see Further help and information.
If you feel bullied or intimidated into making an agreement you are not happy with, negotiation or mediation will not be suitable for you and you should ask a solicitor for advice. For information about solicitors and help with legal costs, ask for our factsheet Getting legal help. If contact cannot be decided on through negotiations or mediation, it may need to be decided by the courts. See Going to court if you cannot reach an agreement about contact.
Next page: Planning ahead
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