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Culture shock
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Article from Together 6, by Jane Ahrends. 18/04/06
Richard Wilson tried everything to keep working when he first became a single dad. But then he got to enjoy being a parent full time.
Richard Wilson sometimes feels as though he's on his second life. In his first, he was managing a tyre company, working long hours, six days a week, and was married with two young sons, Ryan and Shaun. In the second he is a single dad, at home full time raising his children and getting by on benefits. Overall, he prefers his second life, although he can't imagine that he would have ever have chosen it.
"The first year was horrible," he says. "It was a culture shock. I was scared of what the future would hold."
When his marriage ended in 2003, Richard tried hard to hold on to his working life. Each morning he would arrive on the job late, after the school drop-off, and then leave early in the afternoon to collect Shaun and Ryan and return with them to the office where they would stay until his working day was over.
A frantic search for childcare yielded nothing. "I even advertised for a childminder on the Co-op noticeboard. I phoned the council and tried word-of-mouth but nobody could do school pick-ups or work on Saturdays," he recalls. Meanwhile a customer at the tyre company complained about Shaun and Ryan being around in the office after school. Richard asked his employer for flexible hours but was declined on the grounds that, as a key worker, it wouldn't be possible to find cover for him. With the Easter holidays approaching, Richard was cornered: he handed in his notice and claimed Income Support.
But for a good while he tried to get back to working: "I felt a stigma about being on Income Support." So he trawled round the local stores, "cold-calling" for jobs, signed up with the New Deal for Lone Parents and visited employment agencies. "The Jobcentre tried really hard for me. They kept flinging jobs at me. But five or six times I called up employers and they'd say they had nothing around school hours. One asked what would happen if the children were sick. Another time I asked in a high-street supermarket and a member of staff said, 'Just get your wife to come in.' When I explained that it was me who was looking for school-hours work she said: 'We don't cater for men.'" Later, he received an apology from the store manager.
The Jobcentre came up with a suggestion: Richard could retrain to be a fork-lift-truck driver, through Learn Direct. Richard perked up - until it became apparent that the course would require an 8 a.m. start, before the school drop-off. "At that point I'd had enough of employers' attitudes. I decided to be a parent full time."
Of course, that was not an easy option either. Richard's elder son Shaun has a learning difficulty and visual impairment but it took a year before he got his Disability Living Allowance entitlement, so initially things were very tight financially. Practically and emotionally, the family went through a difficult period of readjustment.
"From a practical point of view," Richard says, "I had no idea how much work was involved in running a household and being the primary parent full time. In seven years of marriage I hadn't had to do much by way of domestic chores, so I was looking at the kitchen thinking, 'OK, how do you work?' I didn't," he laughs, "even know how to work a washing machine! There was so much to do -- cooking, washing, ironing, organising packed lunches, organising leisure activities." There were times when the boys complained bitterly about Richard's cooking -- and the school wrote to say they should be wearing ironed clothes -- but in time Richard mastered domestic life. "Achieving our routine was crucial. Now we even have a system where we take it in turns to choose which weekday meals we'll have -- and we all choose together on Sundays."
Being a man made people more cautious of him as a parent, Richard suspects. He even had a visit from Social Services after the department received an anonymous call from someone complaining that Richard was keeping the boys out late on weekday evenings: in fact, as Social Services immediately accepted, the family was enjoying regular trips to martial arts classes and the boys were in bed at a perfectly reasonable hour. "Initially people were surprised that I had care of the children and I looked for reassurance that I was doing things right. But then I saw women doing it and just thought 'I can do this', Richard says. "When I eventually plucked up courage to go and see the school and deal with the issues that arise, as their mother had, the teachers were very supportive. Homestart were wonderful too, with parenting advice."
But the biggest change for Richard and his boys has been the growth in their relationship. "Because of the workload that I had at the tyre company, I was a part-time husband and a part-time dad," Richard says. "When you are working full time, you are lucky if you see your children briefly in the mornings and at night and for some time at the weekends -- when often you are tired. Now I have time with them: we do things together and have fun. They had to get used to my set of rules and boundaries and I learnt that you have to have some flexibility, you have to listen to your kids. If there's a problem I need them to communicate with me and we'll talk it through. They are individuals and you cannot treat children as robots."
Richard isn't looking for a job or a childminder for now. Shaun, in particular, benefits from having his dad around full time. And, for himself, Richard is happy to stick with the slog and the joy of full-time parenting. "We have come a long way and it would jeopardise a lot in terms of our relationship if I were to palm the boys off on a childminder now. I have gained a lot of respect for them as human beings. I am proud of them. Being a parent is more fulfilling than working: I would not miss this for the world." T
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